Hardware Store

For over a year now, I have been having to travel out of town to get my hardware store fix.

I can walk into Home Depot and just wander around for an hour. I dream about the things I could build, the work bench I could solve the world's problems on, cat towers I can create, and things that would make life better.

Here in the little town of Nipomo, we had a dying hardware store that lacked the most basic tools or hardware. It went out of business, as you might have guessed.

After much anticipation, Miner's Ace Hardware opened it's doors. Hundreds of pickups and hundreds of deprived men ascended to see tools, wood, and screws...and we don't know why. I guess it's a cave man thing. I don't care, I just like to go and wonder through every isle and know every type of bolt, hammer, drill-bit, shelf bracket, and chain saw that is available. They even have something everyone should have, Anti-Monkey Butt powder...

One important part of the hardware store experience is old men. They are the pros of hardware shopping. They wonder the isles looking for obscure items that may not exist and just love asking the teenage boys were they can find a 45 degree flaring tool. The kid always has to get on his radio and ask a more experienced worker to assist.

One of the old guys favorite things to do is flirting with the young female cashiers. It is a subtle art form they have worked on for years, likely since about 10 years old. They do sneaky things to spend more time with the cute cashier. Things like removing price tags so she will have to figure out the actual price. Sometimes the cashier just makes up a price to get the old man away. Another tactic used by old men is to buy something everyone on earth knows how to use, then ask the pretty young cashier how this items works. He will listen and say things like "I didn't know this saw could cut wood" or "So you turn this light bulb to the right to put it in the lamp?"

Of course you could just buy your stuff and get out, but the old men want more of an experience out of the visit. It isn't uncommon they have no idea what they came in for. It is also common, after an hour wandering around, they will leave with nothing.

When they get home their wife will say, "You were gone three hours, did you get the 3-sided tape you needed?" and the man will shrug and say "No, I looked everywhere and they didn't have it."